चवन्नी वाली मुस्कान -25 Cent smile

While I was deliberating and thinking about the last two weeks and the things that happened in these weeks I could only think of smiles.

Smiles because I am a smile person, smiles because I realized its not worth cribbing for every modality and grievance I have about people,organization and myself,smiles because I met people and I talked my heart out,smiles because I have again started finding happiness around me in between all the mayhem,smiles because I have started settling at the floor after the zigzag Brownian movement,smiles because my parents have come to visit me,smiles because my sister got placed,smiles because I had my birthday, smiles because I am finding solace in my class, smiles because I have again started seeing people not as people but as a cause effect system,smiles because I have started to notice that I had not started to notice what should be noticed and what should be left unnoticed,smiles because I have started to think beyond the veil and feel,smiles because I can feel the cold water,hot coffee and the subtle wind caressing me again,smiles because I have started feeding the curious child in me with food for thought, smiles because in the moment of ecstasy and bereavement I am trying to be equally calm,smiles because I am trying to meditate and reflect,smiles because I am trying to find the I am in "AMrIt". Am I ?


Eventopedia

1)Boom Boom:parents wanted to visit me and I was making silly excuses, then I remembered what I discussed with my friend Ashu.He says that our parents don't expect much,we should just try to express our love that's enough for them, they know us in and out, they have already lived their greater part of life so why to exclude them from any happiness we can give them now, better to do it now than being late. I booked the tickets just on a one day notice and I feel they are really happy to visit me.For me it is difficult to adjust and be patient and explain things to them but I am trying my best. At times I get irritated because I have been used to living alone and I kind of dislike intrusions but then this is the personal transformation I had thought I would work on.I would try to breathe some air out of my bubble.

2)Birthday Buzz:I don't get that excited about my birthday these days.I don't know the reason but it has to do with living in my own world.But time and again my friends and people around me make me feel the buzz around it. I accept whatever is done in the name of birthday with all happiness and gratitude and move on. This birthday was different as I was celebrating it with my kids for the first time and with my parents after a long time.It was also different as I was finding it difficult to explain things about Teach For India to my parents and all the people that called and wished me,especially my relatives.To add to it,the fact that I would not be able to participate in Jagriti Yatra and Unconference kind of frustrated me. I have a non conformist and questioning attitude about everything I am asked to do or I need to do so it takes time for me to digest things.And since things associated with Teach For India had already started boggling me it had to burst in the end.Eventually I got restless because of all of this.But as the saying goes "you need not to seek solace but it always finds you"(my own saying :P).So all the cards and the celebrations the kids did for me were well received by my parents and it was not that bad in the end when I saw their smiling faces while they were reading those wishes in the cards.

                                                               

3)Bakri Ka Intqaal:(goat's death):This incident made me think a lot about life and death.It was as usual a normal school day and as I was entering my class I found one of my chirpier kids crying. I do not give attention to these things unless it is something very grave, I asked him about what had happened and he refused to divulge any details so I continued with my class. But the Scotland yard of my class knew it all and they explained me the reason that he lost his little goat the previous day and was very sad about it.I did not know what to do about it or how to talk about it, but I thought that no matter what, I will atleast try to discuss the whole thing with him.So in the free period I called him outside and asked him about what had happened and he stated the whole incident while he was still sobbing.I find it very difficult to console people but to my amazement I talked to him about the impermanence of things in this world, about the thing that memory never dies, about it being a normal affair,about death being a means of maintaining balance in this world. I don't know how much of it he understood but talking to me made him feel a little relieved which was quite evident on his face.The day went on and we had a closing circle where we meditate and pray.I usually tell my kids to pray about anything in this world, it should not be inclusive of the people who are close to us, we need happiness all around us so we should pray for everybody.And in the end when I asked a few of them "What did you pray about?". To my surprise many of them said that they prayed for the soul of that goat.In the end we kept one minute silence for the same and I asked the kid to say something about the whole thing but he refused.
Later we had a discussion about life and death,and what happens after death.Though even I had no answers to it, I made it sure that there was a direction in this talk.We touched the topics of people dieing and becoming stars, soul, next birth,going to heaven, symbolism and stuff like that.It was a healthy but a non conclusive discussion and on topics like these it had no other way.What I could resonate is that atleast these kids have the audacity to question these things and that is enough for them at this moment of time. A passing thought came into my mind that "nothing in this world is permanent but nothing in this world dies " :)

4)Boring Exams:This was a week of exams and I need to inculcate more seriousness in few of my kids.I tried to make it more interesting by framing questions which were interesting as well as diverse and I used drawing,general knowledge and computers to check their comprehension and critical thinking abilities.In the end it was an exhausting one and a half week for them and a relieved time for me.

5)Bright Spots City Conference:I didn't like the last city conference and it was pretty boring in terms of what was being delivered there. When an organization tries to trickle down things which do not matter to you in the present context,conferences like these would be like how a congregation would be to an atheist.But even an atheist needs to reaffirm his belief by questioning, so this time I had made sure that I chose sessions where my mind would be cognitive and resonating.The two sessions I attended made me think a lot and that was enough learning for me even if the subject matter was not that relevant to me.The interesting talk with Prof Avijit Pathak outside  the ambit of the session was very enlightening. His thoughts resembled my philosophy of life and I kind of resonated with flowing like a mountain river and being child like curious about every single thing.As for a matter of fact, city conference is the place for gossip mongers and food deprived,but I could neither console my ears nor my tummy this time.And bright spots....Blehhh..Chamka nahi..Bulb nahi jala...(Did not enlighten me)


6)Bye Bye Big Glasses:It was kind of sad that Aparajita was leaving.In this short span of time I had developed a very healthy bond with her and it felt like I was being orphaned in the school,it felt like I was the lone warrior left and no one would be there to hold my back.She is the only person in the school who kind of resonated my thinking and my style or may be we listened to each other quite well. We used to have regular discussions where we constantly cribbed about TFI practices and people(we had healthy discussions about life as well  :D ). Hopefully she would do very well with her 4th graders and keep her inner self intact in the other school.I feel I should also have tied Rakhi on her hand as she did, we shared a caring bond. Bye Bye.Fir Milenge Chalte Chalte literally (See you soon)


7)Big Learning Circle:The learning circle where we fellows sit together and discuss about stuff set in the agenda turns out to be the place of symbiosis and learning.But with time many of us felt that it did not have the same fervor and zeal we had in the insti(training centre). Insti was different, there we spent most of the time together and we had a constant connect,here in the city it is very binary, but a big LC is a good start to bridge that gap.This Learning Circle was good in terms of sharing ideas and discussing about an abstract documentary and few other absurd things.In the end I think we have started to know each other more with each discussion.If it had to do with the marginal utility of time it is actually increasing day by day with each LC. (And to all the Zen Monks go through this video and filter the bullshit please.Here is George Carlin on advertising. We talked about connecting desires with emotions.Take this video with a pinch of salt and do go through his other videos on euphemism and education.He is a blunt satirist.)
                                                     

8)Bakreid Celebrations:It was already a very tiring day after the learning circle but I decided that I would visit few of my kids houses, I have realized that these are the moments when we tend to know the real self of children when there is no pressure on them and they are left free to enjoy themselves. I had a pre conceived notion about few of my kids which broke when I entered a few homes.They had their pre conceived notions too viz. of I not having meat in their houses, of how would I react to their parents,what would I divulge, of how would I feel in small rooms. To my surprise I discovered few new things about my kids and it changed my views about them. For instance, if you go by the locality it tends to give you the feel that it is one of the most deprived ones but when I entered few houses and found split AC's and plastic emulsions,artifacts and LED televisions on walls it surprised me a lot not because I was not expecting it, but because I felt that education was the lowest in their priority list.For one of the kids I came to know that there is a differently abled (mentally challenged) sister in her home and that changed a lot about what I thought about her and her family.
I was quite apprehensive about seeing an animal being sacrificed in front of me but I was happy that I did not see that.To me finally the question centred around the explanation of sacrifice as a symbolism to my kids and make them realize the difference between it and the pompousness and the blatant show of wealth which is done these days in festivals in India.

                                                     

If you have somehow read the whole text you would realize that  all the events started with a "B".It has to do with "to B(e) or not to B(e)" . I am Being me again and it reflects the song "Kun Faya Kun" which I play in my class which means "To B(e)". Cheers to this existence.

And here is this coco cola song which again tries to make and emotional impact. Enjoy
                                                                                 Ummeed Waali Dhoop
                                                                                   Sunshine Waali Aasha
                                                                               Rone Ki Wajah Kamm Hai
                                                                              Hansne Ke Bahane Jyada

Main toh raste se jaa rha tha

  This is one poem by Robert Frost which I vividly remember from my chilhood and which gives me a constant push in my journey.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

 Coming into Teach for India,or in fact any decision in my life has been in someway or the other affected by "The road not taken" both in the poetic and the literal sense.If the path is not different,it does not give me the relevant push to carry on.Even if it is a normal path I try to walk on it in my own way,with my own pace because if I don't love my journey I tend to get haywire.

 The same is happening right now with me in dealing with my class.There are zillion doubts pinballing everyday about me and my kids,there are doubts about others, about the organization,about my purpose and about the purpose of others.A lot of things bamboozle in my mind everyday.

"Is there any competition?"

 TFI says that there is no competition but in one way or the other it is promoting rigorous levels of competition among its fellows.I personally don't like the concept of TIJ and comparing one class with the other.But most of our discussions about the classes of different fellows revolve around the spirit of competition.There is nothing wrong in it but we should be honest enough to accept it.Is it to do with what you want with your kids or is it to do with you doing the best compared to others? I think it is a personal choice.But I often wonder that if the whole system promotes competition can one remain secluded from it?

  I had applied for different initiatives like Maya, Aawaaz, LUMENED and I felt that we derive pleasure and pride after getting selected which should not be the case.The question again revolves around our choice and purpose.There is no point cribbing about not getting selected or being happy about getting selected if we are driven by the spirit of competition and we do not accept it.If we are clear about it then it may make some sense.But then there lies a blatant question about the fellowship being a service.I think it's neither a service nor that social.Infact we are driven by our personal vices and biases all the time.

 "Is there any significant difference between TFI culture and corporate culture?"

 My answer still somersaults around yes and no.While there are a lot of things that TFI promotes as its culture viz open,honest and direct communication,integrity and multiple other things but in the end it is an organization which is run by the people.And so it's also about how these people operate in the real world.We as individuals are far from being idealistc and sometimes we do not act as normal beings because we fail to realize that just entering into TFI does not make us monks.In reality in the fellowship we are never close to living an idealistic life(idealism can have different meanings with respect to individuals, organizations and society).The quicker we accept this fact the better it would be.Being in the corporate world which had a very strong cultural system in the US but a very disinvested system here in India I had realized that its actually the people who make and break the culture of an organization.Vigilante and fear only works in the short run.TFI is no different in that sense from a corporate.It has all the biases and systemic errors because it involves a lot of people.Secondly claiming that it is a flat organization and an organization with little or no hierarchy it seems very ironical that it follows a comprehensive top down approach of imposing its decisions and its own way of handling work.The thing that separates it from a corporate is that atleast it allows multiple wheels operating around a central cog with different kind of engines.The other major thing is its sharing culture.But then again personal biases and vices play a major role for it being a people driven organization.

Is it right to be your own self and not be boggled by what others are doing around you?

Yesterday one of the fellows in my school referred to me as Chacha Nehru although in a joking manner but it had a lot of implied meaning hidden in the backdrop.It made me think about what I am doing with my class and what others are doing.Is it right to follow your own path when everybody else in the school is following a path which is mostly based on TFI standards and what everybody else proposes.The answer centres around two things one is the push and the high I require when I work,the second is the purpose of being in TFI.I am not averse to taking advice and suggestions from others but not without any deliberation. I feel I had this insight of making learning fun and a child feeling happy coming to school,there should be no pressure at all.When I was in Mumbai two years back I came to know about this Jeddu Krishnamurthy school which is solely skill oriented and I was very excited by the idea.But when I started  teaching in the city I realized many TFI practices are limiting me in multiple ways.I am not saying that these TFI practices are wrong as such but I have not found the middle path yet.And the situation around me makes me feel entangled sometimes. The pertinent question remains the same-"Will I be able to be my own keeping everything intact?"

"Would I be able to survive if the things get monotonous?"

 I think the constant struggle for me would be not getting institutionalized and finding innovative ways so that my journey remains fruitful. I think TFI is actually a bubble and its structure and compulsory requirements sometimes block our complete view of the world.There are a lot of things going around and I don't want to be secluded and live my life in a shell.But in order to do that I have to sacrifice few absurd rituals of TFI.City conferences and GLC's should not be compulsory if people have other valid reasons and the takeaways are not that relevant for them.There can be multiple ways to have discussions and forums.LC's are quite a good option compared to others.In the end for me as an individual it was never about TFI or education alone.I think our experiences are getting limited by these absurd rules.

"Should there be a line and a balance between one's personal and professional life?"

 This question remains an enigma for me for a long time now.But I have realized there should be a balance as well as a line.One cannot be submissive to the professional life because there is a world beyond TFI and we cannot just neglect it.We need to balance our lives and at least give some amount of time for our circle beyond TFI.Personally If I consider my family background it becomes very difficult to make my family understand the context of fellowship.So I have to keep them in the loop in different ways and I have to be considerate about my responsibility towards them.The struggle my dad and uncles have faced makes them feel very apprehensive about my decision and one of them made a sweeping statement that "our family has struggled a lot to come to this level and you are returning to do the same which is absurd". Apparently he was a government school teacher in his earlier days and he retired as a judge in the high court.I feel it is very difficult to make them understand and its not even worth doing it.But can I remain secluded from the roots I belong to? Still a long way to go to get the answer.

  But then another line from a Robert Frost poem bubbles in my mind right now as it's just a start...

" And miles to go before I sleep"

 I still do not have developed a conformist attitude towards TFI but there ar a lot of things to come because:

"main toh raste se jaa rha tha" (I am on the path)

 PS:sirf hungama khada karna mera maqsad nahi meri koshish hai ki Surat badalni chahiye.(Its not about making a point but to make a change)

 PS:This post involves a lot of limiting mindsets but it is what it is for me at this moment of time.