Main toh raste se jaa rha tha

  This is one poem by Robert Frost which I vividly remember from my chilhood and which gives me a constant push in my journey.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

 Coming into Teach for India,or in fact any decision in my life has been in someway or the other affected by "The road not taken" both in the poetic and the literal sense.If the path is not different,it does not give me the relevant push to carry on.Even if it is a normal path I try to walk on it in my own way,with my own pace because if I don't love my journey I tend to get haywire.

 The same is happening right now with me in dealing with my class.There are zillion doubts pinballing everyday about me and my kids,there are doubts about others, about the organization,about my purpose and about the purpose of others.A lot of things bamboozle in my mind everyday.

"Is there any competition?"

 TFI says that there is no competition but in one way or the other it is promoting rigorous levels of competition among its fellows.I personally don't like the concept of TIJ and comparing one class with the other.But most of our discussions about the classes of different fellows revolve around the spirit of competition.There is nothing wrong in it but we should be honest enough to accept it.Is it to do with what you want with your kids or is it to do with you doing the best compared to others? I think it is a personal choice.But I often wonder that if the whole system promotes competition can one remain secluded from it?

  I had applied for different initiatives like Maya, Aawaaz, LUMENED and I felt that we derive pleasure and pride after getting selected which should not be the case.The question again revolves around our choice and purpose.There is no point cribbing about not getting selected or being happy about getting selected if we are driven by the spirit of competition and we do not accept it.If we are clear about it then it may make some sense.But then there lies a blatant question about the fellowship being a service.I think it's neither a service nor that social.Infact we are driven by our personal vices and biases all the time.

 "Is there any significant difference between TFI culture and corporate culture?"

 My answer still somersaults around yes and no.While there are a lot of things that TFI promotes as its culture viz open,honest and direct communication,integrity and multiple other things but in the end it is an organization which is run by the people.And so it's also about how these people operate in the real world.We as individuals are far from being idealistc and sometimes we do not act as normal beings because we fail to realize that just entering into TFI does not make us monks.In reality in the fellowship we are never close to living an idealistic life(idealism can have different meanings with respect to individuals, organizations and society).The quicker we accept this fact the better it would be.Being in the corporate world which had a very strong cultural system in the US but a very disinvested system here in India I had realized that its actually the people who make and break the culture of an organization.Vigilante and fear only works in the short run.TFI is no different in that sense from a corporate.It has all the biases and systemic errors because it involves a lot of people.Secondly claiming that it is a flat organization and an organization with little or no hierarchy it seems very ironical that it follows a comprehensive top down approach of imposing its decisions and its own way of handling work.The thing that separates it from a corporate is that atleast it allows multiple wheels operating around a central cog with different kind of engines.The other major thing is its sharing culture.But then again personal biases and vices play a major role for it being a people driven organization.

Is it right to be your own self and not be boggled by what others are doing around you?

Yesterday one of the fellows in my school referred to me as Chacha Nehru although in a joking manner but it had a lot of implied meaning hidden in the backdrop.It made me think about what I am doing with my class and what others are doing.Is it right to follow your own path when everybody else in the school is following a path which is mostly based on TFI standards and what everybody else proposes.The answer centres around two things one is the push and the high I require when I work,the second is the purpose of being in TFI.I am not averse to taking advice and suggestions from others but not without any deliberation. I feel I had this insight of making learning fun and a child feeling happy coming to school,there should be no pressure at all.When I was in Mumbai two years back I came to know about this Jeddu Krishnamurthy school which is solely skill oriented and I was very excited by the idea.But when I started  teaching in the city I realized many TFI practices are limiting me in multiple ways.I am not saying that these TFI practices are wrong as such but I have not found the middle path yet.And the situation around me makes me feel entangled sometimes. The pertinent question remains the same-"Will I be able to be my own keeping everything intact?"

"Would I be able to survive if the things get monotonous?"

 I think the constant struggle for me would be not getting institutionalized and finding innovative ways so that my journey remains fruitful. I think TFI is actually a bubble and its structure and compulsory requirements sometimes block our complete view of the world.There are a lot of things going around and I don't want to be secluded and live my life in a shell.But in order to do that I have to sacrifice few absurd rituals of TFI.City conferences and GLC's should not be compulsory if people have other valid reasons and the takeaways are not that relevant for them.There can be multiple ways to have discussions and forums.LC's are quite a good option compared to others.In the end for me as an individual it was never about TFI or education alone.I think our experiences are getting limited by these absurd rules.

"Should there be a line and a balance between one's personal and professional life?"

 This question remains an enigma for me for a long time now.But I have realized there should be a balance as well as a line.One cannot be submissive to the professional life because there is a world beyond TFI and we cannot just neglect it.We need to balance our lives and at least give some amount of time for our circle beyond TFI.Personally If I consider my family background it becomes very difficult to make my family understand the context of fellowship.So I have to keep them in the loop in different ways and I have to be considerate about my responsibility towards them.The struggle my dad and uncles have faced makes them feel very apprehensive about my decision and one of them made a sweeping statement that "our family has struggled a lot to come to this level and you are returning to do the same which is absurd". Apparently he was a government school teacher in his earlier days and he retired as a judge in the high court.I feel it is very difficult to make them understand and its not even worth doing it.But can I remain secluded from the roots I belong to? Still a long way to go to get the answer.

  But then another line from a Robert Frost poem bubbles in my mind right now as it's just a start...

" And miles to go before I sleep"

 I still do not have developed a conformist attitude towards TFI but there ar a lot of things to come because:

"main toh raste se jaa rha tha" (I am on the path)

 PS:sirf hungama khada karna mera maqsad nahi meri koshish hai ki Surat badalni chahiye.(Its not about making a point but to make a change)

 PS:This post involves a lot of limiting mindsets but it is what it is for me at this moment of time.

Nazar

शौक़-ए दीदार अगर है तो नज़र पैदा कर
(If you want to really observe and feel something try to look beyond the veil)

I am a big fan of the famous NDTV news reporter -"Ravish Kumar" and these lines are actually from his blog "Qasba". He constantly focuses on trying to observe people,situations and events beyond the normal lines of a series of events and facts. I came to know about him through a friend of mine and since then I have been a regular follower of his programs and blog. And I constantly try to apply this small but simple thought in everything I do.It works very well at times but most of the times it leads to an unending chain of questions and somewhere you have to stop.

For instance if I consider Ravish Kumar himself.I first met him in Jaipur Literary Festival last year and at the end of the event I saw him signing autographs. Now for that instant I could not believe that a person like him would be signing autographs. This is because when I started following him what I could gaze from all his posts and programs was that he has no intentions to be remembered for his thoughts,actions and programs.And he wants all what he has done to vanish in the garb of history and not to be sighted as a reference.Now all this gave me an impression that he is someone who is realistic but at the same time detached with the lime light. But when I delved deeper I realized that he is also human and there are few things which his profession demands and there are few things which you say and you like to follow but there are anomalies and aberrations when you really do it.I never say that it is wrong to dream about being famous or enjoy your popularity or direct you actions in order to become famous. The only problem I have is that people don't accept or may be they don't know and understand that there must be a logical connection between what they think,what they show and what they do. And here comes the main point that you cannot analyse the actions and thoughts of  a person just by seeing a few facets of his life.For instance for Ravish Kumar I came to a conclusion by just seeing his programs and blogs. But there are a lot of things still in the hindsight, he is a family man, he comes from a small place in Bihar, he is in a profession where his public image matters,I don't know about his behaviour when he is not in front of the cameras. So definitely I can conclude many a things from what I can see and feel, but there are many things which are not known to me and which will be never known to me.
Until recently I was always bogged by this fact that why is there a big gap between what people say and think and what they really do. Its actually a two sided thing, there are reasons on the side of the observer that is me and on the side of the person being observed. While I as an observer would make a judgement based on the facts which are like an iota in the complex being of the person being observed, the person being observed in his own world is also living in this matrix which is full of dilemma and is ever-changing.
I have tried to analyse my actions and thoughts as an individual and  I find the same gap.In fact the void is so big that I get confused at times. But then I have realized that no body in this world is perfect and constant and in your mind you mostly have thoughts which are idealistic and driven by what you deem is correct, but in the real matrix of this world everything comes out as something else.
There are two Jain philosophies which I feel correctly describe this anomaly.
Syatwaad: This philosophy says that whatever you say is a possibility and you add "may be" to every thing you say and every conclusion you make, which means truth is not absolute.
Anekantwaad:This is kind of theory of relativity which says truth is dependent on the perspective or the frame of reference you are in. There can be multiple ways to see the same situation.

I kind of relate to all this.And with my advent in Teach for India,and with things like life maps and learning circle opening new gates of seeing through people, I still tend to find this gap between the actions and thoughts quite evident in everything I do and in everything what others are doing. So while there are idealistic things which were taught in the institute and which remain in the code books and then there are best practices to follow, people giving you suggestions and feedbacks and people talking about education,problems of the communities, ideas, you should do this and not do that;I always have these questions bubbling in my mind. I have doubts about the motives,I have doubts about the answers,I have doubts about having a vision for everything you do,I have doubts about being mechanical and planned in everything one does. I am having doubts about my thoughts and my intentions.May be I am talking abstract but I am always bogged down by the fact that one has to find a purpose in everything one does. May be it is not to be found , may be it was always there,may be living in the moment is the key. Just saying "may be".


We are on the path- evidently we were always there on some path.May be.

PS:In the last few weeks I have found I am kind of turning mechanical which is not me, and thus loosing the fun factor I have. I am trying to unwind and I will start wandering again.
" Not everybody who wanders is lost"-A passing thought which came to my mind

I have a dream

I have a dream that one day the seeds we are planting today would grow into a tree.

A tree which has deep roots with multiple branches and multiple leaves with single colour ,

A tree which is as big at the top as it is down under,

A tree which would be used by the poor to feed their chulhas and by the rich to furnish their mansions,

A tree which would shed it leaves but still grow green the next season,

A tree which would be a nesting place for the birds and a play ground for the kiddos,

A tree whose falling apples would nurture multiple Newtons and whose own falling would beckon multiple Chipkos,

A tree which would selflessly let itself be used and never complain,

A tree whose every part would be used and not go in vain,

A tree which would gather its own food and not need me to water it to grow,

A tree which would always remain grounded whether it is big or very low,

I hope it would be a tree which would remain till eternity in its roots, in its dreams, in its reality, in its fraternity, in every moment to come and go, in every storm which makes it bow,in every summer which needs shade, in every rain to not get drenched, I hope it is there to be, I hope it would be with me,

Because I have a dream.   

                         
                                                   
                                I have a dream by ABBA


PS:It was written in the city conference and it is a symbolic reference to the seeds we are planting in TFI.

Lage Raho Munnabhai

Second Day and Third Day.

I have made a promise to myself that whatever I tell the kids to follow, I should follow it with the same grit and determination. I don't want that duality to exist even if the kids are not aware about what happens in my personal space.So I have made a start myself, It would be very difficult for me to carry on that path,but I will try my level best.And I am making it public just because I want people to remind me about this time and again.
1)No drinking
2)No smoking.
3)No junk food.
4)Be clean,
5)Be on time.

The list is not exhaustive.It will change with time.

Second and Third day have given me even more exposure about what a humongous task I have at my hands.And I am a bit confused about how to go around it. But something which will push me is the light of hope my kids have on their faces.

SLAM OUT LOUD
I took 5 of my kids to this poetry event without any planning and preparation and to my surprise three kids wrote such beautiful poems that they were called on stage to recite the same. I was thinking about the two kids who could not write much.There is definitely a sense of possibility for them.I think from next time onwards I would take few kids just for the sake of exposure even if I know that they lack the knack for it.

LOST MY VOICE/FELL ILL
So finally after the gruelling institute,I think I am showing signs of  fatigue now.The credit goes to Delhi's weather and not my kids.
So what kind of attention grabber you can use when you have lost your voice?
Here is an answer, I used a DAFLI which was used in the street play in my class.It worked pretty well.Different sounds for different things.

CONTENT
I was not able to plan much as I did not get time due to the assessments and my health issues,But I am using my collab's insti plans in my own way.
I have divided my class into 8 groups of 4 each using a rigged chit system,Because I wanted a diverse group without making them feel that I had planned it.
And finally I randomly used the GRAM PANCHAYAT election system which in a way kept them involved. I had not planned it but I had seen ANKITA doing the same in the insti and I tweaked it in my own way.

THE DIFFERENT KIND OF KIDS AND THE KID CALLED NITIN
So I have noticed this from the insti only that different kids behave differently in different situations but there is definitely some correlation and pattern. So there are kids who are good at studies and procedural learning, there are kids who are good at observation,there are kids who are pretty silent in the class but they go berserk when they go outside,there are kids who are so innocently naughty that you don't even want to scold them,there are kids like NITIN who fight in the class but cry when you change their places.I wanted to elaborate on this kid Nitin He has come from a Hindi medium school and is at an emergent level.He has issues of mixing with new people,but I felt spending time with him would definitely work. Today in the class he did not have his lunch because his seat was changed and was crying. I managed to convince him to sit in the other group by giving the whole class the leverage that daily I will give one period when you can sit with whoever you want. And in Sanskrit and Hindi period you can do whatever you want.To my surprise only few kids changed their seats.Let me see how it unfolds in the future.To add to it I ate Nitin's lunch after the school and he didn't have a single bite.But when I was leaving he left with me holding my hands and was standing near his home to bid me bye. That seems to be a good start,But I have to think more about converting these things into student learning.

BREAKING THE EXISTING STRUCTURE
The most difficult part is to break and mould the existing structure according to your need and suitability.I would be blunt enough to say that there are few structures in my class and in my school which do not suit me individually.I need to work through them. Basically we were taught about all idealistic stuff in the insti,few of them are not at all visible in the city.And I knew from the beginning that this would be the case.
And I don't want to get institutionalized as it affects my productivity.Remember that KUEN KA MEDHAK(Frog in the well).I don;t want to end like that.
Personally I need my own reflection time and time to think about things.And the way my class has worked so far and the culture prevalent in the school, it would be very difficult for me to find a middle path.

BELIEF ON FEW THINGS GETTING STRONGER AND FEW ARE STILL IN THE PROSECUTION BOX.
Importance of time: Checked
Importance of planning: to an extent Checked.(No scripting;your own style and according to the class)
Importance of filling those trackers: Most of them are trash,I believe if you spend more time in the class you will definitely get to know your kids more better without even using those trackers.More belief on intuition and qualitative things.
Importance of Assessments: Checked,But the way it is carried out has to be tweaked according to your class, if you push your kids too much with assessments without making them understand its value,you will continue filling in trash in your trackers.
Importance of sessions:Only a few.Waiting for the city conference eagerly :P

PS:This post was titled Lage Raho Munnabhai  because that has to be done and also because I gave an example from this movie to make my kids understand that you can prove your point by embarrassing people and you do not need to fight at all.And I am going to show them this movie tomorrow. :)
And I think I would be irregular in my posts,But this my way of reflection and I would try to keep in touch.
Bole toh bole are kaisi hogi haaye,
Apun ko jaisi mangta hai waisi hogi haay,
Haay re Haay 2
Lage raho Munna Bhai,

जाने कैसे कब और कहाँ

 I was  not concerned about the butterflies in my stomach the night before the first day of school but it had to do with few apprehensions. Apprehension of acceptance. apprehension of me being detached;apprehension of drawing the line,apprehension of me sharing my space with 35 little hangouts whom I cannot run away from,Basically kids are not judgemental,they are forgetful, forgiving and loving. They crave for the love you share and are always ready to take any trash if you put it in the garb of love, I have always been apprehensive of people judging me and me loosing my space if I develop bonds and relationships .It was altogether different in Pune where I knew I had only a small stint so I could easily escape out from that emotional matrix.But here in the city,I need to let go. I have always dreamt of flowing; living in the moment but in the end I eventually stop myself from flowing in the continuum of relationships. Perhaps this would be the most difficult thing for me in the fellowship,maintaining relationships,getting lost in them,not caring about any ifs and buts.And closing the shutters down today I realized that I need not to sit and ponder about these things,these little ones will slowly creep into my life and I will not know. They don't have any agendas and neither I want any. Possibilities of possibilities.स्यात्
  जाने कैसे कब और कहाँ  (I don't know  how ,when and where)
I am ending today's night with this eternal song which encapsulates my philosophy of life.Allah Haafiz.

आगे भी जाने ना तू, पीछे भी जाने ना तू ,जो भी है बस यही एक पल है  (Live in the moment)

करीब था की दूर

कहती कोई कहानी
करता कोई काम 
कहना करना कैसा (क)
किया करता कलाम

रोती रही रात 
रोशनी रही रूठी
रचती रही रुनझुनें (र)
रीझती रही रोटी

इक इमारत इटों-की
इक इश्क़-ए इज़हार
इक इम्तेहान इरादतन (ई)
इतना इससे इशरार

बैठा बैठा बुझता
बढ़ता बल बलवान
बहना बैठे बैठे (ब)
बुनता बन बेनाम

थकता था थोड़ा 
थिरकन थमी थी
थूकता था थक्के (थ)
थल-में थरी थी

आता अभी अतीत 
आता अब आभाष
आना आके आलिंगन (आ)
आभा अमृत आकाश

क्रूर कर्म का किस्सा
कितना कठिन कयास
कहता करके कुंठित (क)
कच्चा कैसे कपास

इक्षाएँ इतनी इकट्ठी
इठलाते इतने इंसान
इनायत इक इंच इतनी (ई)
इतना-सा इसका ईनाम

दूर दूर दस्तक
दर दर्रा दरवाज़े
दिल दिक्कत दिल्लगी (द)
दम देते,दरकाते

उँचा उसका उठना 
उड़ान उर्जा उन्माद
उसकी उलझी उलझनें (ऊ)
उन्स उसकी उस-रात

रुकती रीस्ती रात
रूबरू राहे रसूल
रूह रिझाता रहनुमा (र)
करीब था की दूर

Farooq Sheikh:मेरी भूली बिसरी यादें

 तुमको देखा तो ये खयाल आया

जिंदगी धूप, तुम घना साया

आज फिर दिल ने एक तमन्ना की

आज फिर दिल को हम ने समझाया

तुम चले जाओगे तो सोचेंगे

हमने क्या खोया हमने क्या पाया

हम जिसे गुनगुना नहीं सकते

वक़्त ने ऐसा गीत क्यों गाया

I fondly remember him being the quintessential gentleman host in Jeena isi ka naam hai.With his witty lines and sly humor and his command of Urdu Zubaan he seemed to pluck the right strings at right times. A child viewer like me was engrossed in those moments where he opened the lives of celebrities bit by bit and string by string.Perhaps the enigma of a celebrity started to open up for me with those episodes,their humanness was exposed with extreme surgical expertise.I still have few episodes etched in my memory.

Though if I try to remember him precisely,the first time I saw him was on Sony Television on a show called Chamatkar.It was actually a comic series where he had  a superpower of listening to distant voices.Entangled in his ear problem and his ability to listen strangely to people,he would fall into situations which were not hysterical but aukwardly comic.I think I still tend to like the situational and sly comedy more than the slapstic ones,credit goes to series like filmy chakkar,hum paanch,tu tu main main,sarabhai vs sarabhai,office office,chamatkar which we as 90's kids watched.There was another very famous series under his belly called Jee Mantriji-a political satire,but precisely because I was a kid and I did not relate to politics at that time,I don't remember watching it much.

When it comes to his films I have seen many but what remains close to my heart is Chashme Buddoor.I kind of like people who have layers,but are simple on the surface.Kind of relates me to myself.The situational comedy in the movie and the bachelorhood bromance remains contemporary to present days.Even today if you watch the movie you will find a kind of freshness in the scenes and the acting.Perhaps the USP of the man was his demeanor and his dialogue delivery,a very aam aadmi like persona and a groundedness which never allowed him to have an over the top kind of performance.Few scenes like the Chamko detergent demo or the pan waala encounter on the Delhi street gumti are epic ones.The new Chashme Buddoor was no where close to creating any feeling of nostalgia or high at all.

Apart from the few epic ones like Umrao Jaan,Bazaar,Gaman,Saath Saath and Noorie which were among the potshots of 80's parallel cinema;he was also very active in the radio and the theater circuit.I fondly remember one of his radio shows on Gandhi,it kind of became a daily routine to listen to him when I was travelling to my office.But to be honest what I really relate and reminisce about his earlier movies are the songs picturized on him.It has more to do with Jagjit singh,Chitra,Lata Mangeshkar and Suresh Wadekar being the part of his movies.But he has done justice to all the songs.My love for Jagjit Singh and the songs he rendered in the 80's must be accredited with the way Farooq saab acted in few of those songs.I still prefer to watch the video version than the audio ones.Few songs which I consider very close to my heart are Tumko Dekha to Yeh Khayal Aaya,Ye tera ghar ye mera ghar:Jagjit and chitra Singh,Dikhayi Diye yun,Phir Chiddi Raat,Aaja re o mere dilbar aaja:Lata Mangeshkar,Seene Me Jalan :Suresh Wadekar. Another song which essentially is popular because of Rekha is In aankhon ki masti ke.And I must say if I can die for those eyes of Rekha,or the संजीदगी of Deepti Naval I can certainly vouch for the subtlety in the eyes and voice of Farooq saab.

सीने में जलन, आँखों में तूफ़ान सा क्यों है

इस शहर में हर शख्स परेशान सा क्यों है

दिल है तो धड़कने का बहाना कोई ढूंढें

पत्थर की तरह बेहिस-ओ-बेजान सा क्यों है

तनहाई की ये कौनसी मंज़िल है रफीकों

ता-हद-ए-नजर एक बयाबान सा क्यों है

क्या कोई नयी बात नज़र आती है हम में

आईना हमे देख के हैरान सा क्यों है

शायद  कुछ ऐसी ही लाइन्स  के साथ दिल पसीजता है कई बार दिल्ली की गलियों में। अल्लाह हाफ़िज़ फारूक साब। आपकी रूह की खुशबू बदस्तूर महक बिखेरती रहती है मेरे मन के दरीचों में। जन्नत की महफ़िलों को रोशन करते रहें.
PS: Birthday Memoir.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farooq_Sheikh