Main toh raste se jaa rha tha

  This is one poem by Robert Frost which I vividly remember from my chilhood and which gives me a constant push in my journey.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

 Coming into Teach for India,or in fact any decision in my life has been in someway or the other affected by "The road not taken" both in the poetic and the literal sense.If the path is not different,it does not give me the relevant push to carry on.Even if it is a normal path I try to walk on it in my own way,with my own pace because if I don't love my journey I tend to get haywire.

 The same is happening right now with me in dealing with my class.There are zillion doubts pinballing everyday about me and my kids,there are doubts about others, about the organization,about my purpose and about the purpose of others.A lot of things bamboozle in my mind everyday.

"Is there any competition?"

 TFI says that there is no competition but in one way or the other it is promoting rigorous levels of competition among its fellows.I personally don't like the concept of TIJ and comparing one class with the other.But most of our discussions about the classes of different fellows revolve around the spirit of competition.There is nothing wrong in it but we should be honest enough to accept it.Is it to do with what you want with your kids or is it to do with you doing the best compared to others? I think it is a personal choice.But I often wonder that if the whole system promotes competition can one remain secluded from it?

  I had applied for different initiatives like Maya, Aawaaz, LUMENED and I felt that we derive pleasure and pride after getting selected which should not be the case.The question again revolves around our choice and purpose.There is no point cribbing about not getting selected or being happy about getting selected if we are driven by the spirit of competition and we do not accept it.If we are clear about it then it may make some sense.But then there lies a blatant question about the fellowship being a service.I think it's neither a service nor that social.Infact we are driven by our personal vices and biases all the time.

 "Is there any significant difference between TFI culture and corporate culture?"

 My answer still somersaults around yes and no.While there are a lot of things that TFI promotes as its culture viz open,honest and direct communication,integrity and multiple other things but in the end it is an organization which is run by the people.And so it's also about how these people operate in the real world.We as individuals are far from being idealistc and sometimes we do not act as normal beings because we fail to realize that just entering into TFI does not make us monks.In reality in the fellowship we are never close to living an idealistic life(idealism can have different meanings with respect to individuals, organizations and society).The quicker we accept this fact the better it would be.Being in the corporate world which had a very strong cultural system in the US but a very disinvested system here in India I had realized that its actually the people who make and break the culture of an organization.Vigilante and fear only works in the short run.TFI is no different in that sense from a corporate.It has all the biases and systemic errors because it involves a lot of people.Secondly claiming that it is a flat organization and an organization with little or no hierarchy it seems very ironical that it follows a comprehensive top down approach of imposing its decisions and its own way of handling work.The thing that separates it from a corporate is that atleast it allows multiple wheels operating around a central cog with different kind of engines.The other major thing is its sharing culture.But then again personal biases and vices play a major role for it being a people driven organization.

Is it right to be your own self and not be boggled by what others are doing around you?

Yesterday one of the fellows in my school referred to me as Chacha Nehru although in a joking manner but it had a lot of implied meaning hidden in the backdrop.It made me think about what I am doing with my class and what others are doing.Is it right to follow your own path when everybody else in the school is following a path which is mostly based on TFI standards and what everybody else proposes.The answer centres around two things one is the push and the high I require when I work,the second is the purpose of being in TFI.I am not averse to taking advice and suggestions from others but not without any deliberation. I feel I had this insight of making learning fun and a child feeling happy coming to school,there should be no pressure at all.When I was in Mumbai two years back I came to know about this Jeddu Krishnamurthy school which is solely skill oriented and I was very excited by the idea.But when I started  teaching in the city I realized many TFI practices are limiting me in multiple ways.I am not saying that these TFI practices are wrong as such but I have not found the middle path yet.And the situation around me makes me feel entangled sometimes. The pertinent question remains the same-"Will I be able to be my own keeping everything intact?"

"Would I be able to survive if the things get monotonous?"

 I think the constant struggle for me would be not getting institutionalized and finding innovative ways so that my journey remains fruitful. I think TFI is actually a bubble and its structure and compulsory requirements sometimes block our complete view of the world.There are a lot of things going around and I don't want to be secluded and live my life in a shell.But in order to do that I have to sacrifice few absurd rituals of TFI.City conferences and GLC's should not be compulsory if people have other valid reasons and the takeaways are not that relevant for them.There can be multiple ways to have discussions and forums.LC's are quite a good option compared to others.In the end for me as an individual it was never about TFI or education alone.I think our experiences are getting limited by these absurd rules.

"Should there be a line and a balance between one's personal and professional life?"

 This question remains an enigma for me for a long time now.But I have realized there should be a balance as well as a line.One cannot be submissive to the professional life because there is a world beyond TFI and we cannot just neglect it.We need to balance our lives and at least give some amount of time for our circle beyond TFI.Personally If I consider my family background it becomes very difficult to make my family understand the context of fellowship.So I have to keep them in the loop in different ways and I have to be considerate about my responsibility towards them.The struggle my dad and uncles have faced makes them feel very apprehensive about my decision and one of them made a sweeping statement that "our family has struggled a lot to come to this level and you are returning to do the same which is absurd". Apparently he was a government school teacher in his earlier days and he retired as a judge in the high court.I feel it is very difficult to make them understand and its not even worth doing it.But can I remain secluded from the roots I belong to? Still a long way to go to get the answer.

  But then another line from a Robert Frost poem bubbles in my mind right now as it's just a start...

" And miles to go before I sleep"

 I still do not have developed a conformist attitude towards TFI but there ar a lot of things to come because:

"main toh raste se jaa rha tha" (I am on the path)

 PS:sirf hungama khada karna mera maqsad nahi meri koshish hai ki Surat badalni chahiye.(Its not about making a point but to make a change)

 PS:This post involves a lot of limiting mindsets but it is what it is for me at this moment of time.