Nazar

शौक़-ए दीदार अगर है तो नज़र पैदा कर
(If you want to really observe and feel something try to look beyond the veil)

I am a big fan of the famous NDTV news reporter -"Ravish Kumar" and these lines are actually from his blog "Qasba". He constantly focuses on trying to observe people,situations and events beyond the normal lines of a series of events and facts. I came to know about him through a friend of mine and since then I have been a regular follower of his programs and blog. And I constantly try to apply this small but simple thought in everything I do.It works very well at times but most of the times it leads to an unending chain of questions and somewhere you have to stop.

For instance if I consider Ravish Kumar himself.I first met him in Jaipur Literary Festival last year and at the end of the event I saw him signing autographs. Now for that instant I could not believe that a person like him would be signing autographs. This is because when I started following him what I could gaze from all his posts and programs was that he has no intentions to be remembered for his thoughts,actions and programs.And he wants all what he has done to vanish in the garb of history and not to be sighted as a reference.Now all this gave me an impression that he is someone who is realistic but at the same time detached with the lime light. But when I delved deeper I realized that he is also human and there are few things which his profession demands and there are few things which you say and you like to follow but there are anomalies and aberrations when you really do it.I never say that it is wrong to dream about being famous or enjoy your popularity or direct you actions in order to become famous. The only problem I have is that people don't accept or may be they don't know and understand that there must be a logical connection between what they think,what they show and what they do. And here comes the main point that you cannot analyse the actions and thoughts of  a person just by seeing a few facets of his life.For instance for Ravish Kumar I came to a conclusion by just seeing his programs and blogs. But there are a lot of things still in the hindsight, he is a family man, he comes from a small place in Bihar, he is in a profession where his public image matters,I don't know about his behaviour when he is not in front of the cameras. So definitely I can conclude many a things from what I can see and feel, but there are many things which are not known to me and which will be never known to me.
Until recently I was always bogged by this fact that why is there a big gap between what people say and think and what they really do. Its actually a two sided thing, there are reasons on the side of the observer that is me and on the side of the person being observed. While I as an observer would make a judgement based on the facts which are like an iota in the complex being of the person being observed, the person being observed in his own world is also living in this matrix which is full of dilemma and is ever-changing.
I have tried to analyse my actions and thoughts as an individual and  I find the same gap.In fact the void is so big that I get confused at times. But then I have realized that no body in this world is perfect and constant and in your mind you mostly have thoughts which are idealistic and driven by what you deem is correct, but in the real matrix of this world everything comes out as something else.
There are two Jain philosophies which I feel correctly describe this anomaly.
Syatwaad: This philosophy says that whatever you say is a possibility and you add "may be" to every thing you say and every conclusion you make, which means truth is not absolute.
Anekantwaad:This is kind of theory of relativity which says truth is dependent on the perspective or the frame of reference you are in. There can be multiple ways to see the same situation.

I kind of relate to all this.And with my advent in Teach for India,and with things like life maps and learning circle opening new gates of seeing through people, I still tend to find this gap between the actions and thoughts quite evident in everything I do and in everything what others are doing. So while there are idealistic things which were taught in the institute and which remain in the code books and then there are best practices to follow, people giving you suggestions and feedbacks and people talking about education,problems of the communities, ideas, you should do this and not do that;I always have these questions bubbling in my mind. I have doubts about the motives,I have doubts about the answers,I have doubts about having a vision for everything you do,I have doubts about being mechanical and planned in everything one does. I am having doubts about my thoughts and my intentions.May be I am talking abstract but I am always bogged down by the fact that one has to find a purpose in everything one does. May be it is not to be found , may be it was always there,may be living in the moment is the key. Just saying "may be".


We are on the path- evidently we were always there on some path.May be.

PS:In the last few weeks I have found I am kind of turning mechanical which is not me, and thus loosing the fun factor I have. I am trying to unwind and I will start wandering again.
" Not everybody who wanders is lost"-A passing thought which came to my mind

I have a dream

I have a dream that one day the seeds we are planting today would grow into a tree.

A tree which has deep roots with multiple branches and multiple leaves with single colour ,

A tree which is as big at the top as it is down under,

A tree which would be used by the poor to feed their chulhas and by the rich to furnish their mansions,

A tree which would shed it leaves but still grow green the next season,

A tree which would be a nesting place for the birds and a play ground for the kiddos,

A tree whose falling apples would nurture multiple Newtons and whose own falling would beckon multiple Chipkos,

A tree which would selflessly let itself be used and never complain,

A tree whose every part would be used and not go in vain,

A tree which would gather its own food and not need me to water it to grow,

A tree which would always remain grounded whether it is big or very low,

I hope it would be a tree which would remain till eternity in its roots, in its dreams, in its reality, in its fraternity, in every moment to come and go, in every storm which makes it bow,in every summer which needs shade, in every rain to not get drenched, I hope it is there to be, I hope it would be with me,

Because I have a dream.   

                         
                                                   
                                I have a dream by ABBA


PS:It was written in the city conference and it is a symbolic reference to the seeds we are planting in TFI.

Lage Raho Munnabhai

Second Day and Third Day.

I have made a promise to myself that whatever I tell the kids to follow, I should follow it with the same grit and determination. I don't want that duality to exist even if the kids are not aware about what happens in my personal space.So I have made a start myself, It would be very difficult for me to carry on that path,but I will try my level best.And I am making it public just because I want people to remind me about this time and again.
1)No drinking
2)No smoking.
3)No junk food.
4)Be clean,
5)Be on time.

The list is not exhaustive.It will change with time.

Second and Third day have given me even more exposure about what a humongous task I have at my hands.And I am a bit confused about how to go around it. But something which will push me is the light of hope my kids have on their faces.

SLAM OUT LOUD
I took 5 of my kids to this poetry event without any planning and preparation and to my surprise three kids wrote such beautiful poems that they were called on stage to recite the same. I was thinking about the two kids who could not write much.There is definitely a sense of possibility for them.I think from next time onwards I would take few kids just for the sake of exposure even if I know that they lack the knack for it.

LOST MY VOICE/FELL ILL
So finally after the gruelling institute,I think I am showing signs of  fatigue now.The credit goes to Delhi's weather and not my kids.
So what kind of attention grabber you can use when you have lost your voice?
Here is an answer, I used a DAFLI which was used in the street play in my class.It worked pretty well.Different sounds for different things.

CONTENT
I was not able to plan much as I did not get time due to the assessments and my health issues,But I am using my collab's insti plans in my own way.
I have divided my class into 8 groups of 4 each using a rigged chit system,Because I wanted a diverse group without making them feel that I had planned it.
And finally I randomly used the GRAM PANCHAYAT election system which in a way kept them involved. I had not planned it but I had seen ANKITA doing the same in the insti and I tweaked it in my own way.

THE DIFFERENT KIND OF KIDS AND THE KID CALLED NITIN
So I have noticed this from the insti only that different kids behave differently in different situations but there is definitely some correlation and pattern. So there are kids who are good at studies and procedural learning, there are kids who are good at observation,there are kids who are pretty silent in the class but they go berserk when they go outside,there are kids who are so innocently naughty that you don't even want to scold them,there are kids like NITIN who fight in the class but cry when you change their places.I wanted to elaborate on this kid Nitin He has come from a Hindi medium school and is at an emergent level.He has issues of mixing with new people,but I felt spending time with him would definitely work. Today in the class he did not have his lunch because his seat was changed and was crying. I managed to convince him to sit in the other group by giving the whole class the leverage that daily I will give one period when you can sit with whoever you want. And in Sanskrit and Hindi period you can do whatever you want.To my surprise only few kids changed their seats.Let me see how it unfolds in the future.To add to it I ate Nitin's lunch after the school and he didn't have a single bite.But when I was leaving he left with me holding my hands and was standing near his home to bid me bye. That seems to be a good start,But I have to think more about converting these things into student learning.

BREAKING THE EXISTING STRUCTURE
The most difficult part is to break and mould the existing structure according to your need and suitability.I would be blunt enough to say that there are few structures in my class and in my school which do not suit me individually.I need to work through them. Basically we were taught about all idealistic stuff in the insti,few of them are not at all visible in the city.And I knew from the beginning that this would be the case.
And I don't want to get institutionalized as it affects my productivity.Remember that KUEN KA MEDHAK(Frog in the well).I don;t want to end like that.
Personally I need my own reflection time and time to think about things.And the way my class has worked so far and the culture prevalent in the school, it would be very difficult for me to find a middle path.

BELIEF ON FEW THINGS GETTING STRONGER AND FEW ARE STILL IN THE PROSECUTION BOX.
Importance of time: Checked
Importance of planning: to an extent Checked.(No scripting;your own style and according to the class)
Importance of filling those trackers: Most of them are trash,I believe if you spend more time in the class you will definitely get to know your kids more better without even using those trackers.More belief on intuition and qualitative things.
Importance of Assessments: Checked,But the way it is carried out has to be tweaked according to your class, if you push your kids too much with assessments without making them understand its value,you will continue filling in trash in your trackers.
Importance of sessions:Only a few.Waiting for the city conference eagerly :P

PS:This post was titled Lage Raho Munnabhai  because that has to be done and also because I gave an example from this movie to make my kids understand that you can prove your point by embarrassing people and you do not need to fight at all.And I am going to show them this movie tomorrow. :)
And I think I would be irregular in my posts,But this my way of reflection and I would try to keep in touch.
Bole toh bole are kaisi hogi haaye,
Apun ko jaisi mangta hai waisi hogi haay,
Haay re Haay 2
Lage raho Munna Bhai,

जाने कैसे कब और कहाँ

 I was  not concerned about the butterflies in my stomach the night before the first day of school but it had to do with few apprehensions. Apprehension of acceptance. apprehension of me being detached;apprehension of drawing the line,apprehension of me sharing my space with 35 little hangouts whom I cannot run away from,Basically kids are not judgemental,they are forgetful, forgiving and loving. They crave for the love you share and are always ready to take any trash if you put it in the garb of love, I have always been apprehensive of people judging me and me loosing my space if I develop bonds and relationships .It was altogether different in Pune where I knew I had only a small stint so I could easily escape out from that emotional matrix.But here in the city,I need to let go. I have always dreamt of flowing; living in the moment but in the end I eventually stop myself from flowing in the continuum of relationships. Perhaps this would be the most difficult thing for me in the fellowship,maintaining relationships,getting lost in them,not caring about any ifs and buts.And closing the shutters down today I realized that I need not to sit and ponder about these things,these little ones will slowly creep into my life and I will not know. They don't have any agendas and neither I want any. Possibilities of possibilities.स्यात्
  जाने कैसे कब और कहाँ  (I don't know  how ,when and where)
I am ending today's night with this eternal song which encapsulates my philosophy of life.Allah Haafiz.

आगे भी जाने ना तू, पीछे भी जाने ना तू ,जो भी है बस यही एक पल है  (Live in the moment)

करीब था की दूर

कहती कोई कहानी
करता कोई काम 
कहना करना कैसा (क)
किया करता कलाम

रोती रही रात 
रोशनी रही रूठी
रचती रही रुनझुनें (र)
रीझती रही रोटी

इक इमारत इटों-की
इक इश्क़-ए इज़हार
इक इम्तेहान इरादतन (ई)
इतना इससे इशरार

बैठा बैठा बुझता
बढ़ता बल बलवान
बहना बैठे बैठे (ब)
बुनता बन बेनाम

थकता था थोड़ा 
थिरकन थमी थी
थूकता था थक्के (थ)
थल-में थरी थी

आता अभी अतीत 
आता अब आभाष
आना आके आलिंगन (आ)
आभा अमृत आकाश

क्रूर कर्म का किस्सा
कितना कठिन कयास
कहता करके कुंठित (क)
कच्चा कैसे कपास

इक्षाएँ इतनी इकट्ठी
इठलाते इतने इंसान
इनायत इक इंच इतनी (ई)
इतना-सा इसका ईनाम

दूर दूर दस्तक
दर दर्रा दरवाज़े
दिल दिक्कत दिल्लगी (द)
दम देते,दरकाते

उँचा उसका उठना 
उड़ान उर्जा उन्माद
उसकी उलझी उलझनें (ऊ)
उन्स उसकी उस-रात

रुकती रीस्ती रात
रूबरू राहे रसूल
रूह रिझाता रहनुमा (र)
करीब था की दूर

Farooq Sheikh:मेरी भूली बिसरी यादें

 तुमको देखा तो ये खयाल आया

जिंदगी धूप, तुम घना साया

आज फिर दिल ने एक तमन्ना की

आज फिर दिल को हम ने समझाया

तुम चले जाओगे तो सोचेंगे

हमने क्या खोया हमने क्या पाया

हम जिसे गुनगुना नहीं सकते

वक़्त ने ऐसा गीत क्यों गाया

I fondly remember him being the quintessential gentleman host in Jeena isi ka naam hai.With his witty lines and sly humor and his command of Urdu Zubaan he seemed to pluck the right strings at right times. A child viewer like me was engrossed in those moments where he opened the lives of celebrities bit by bit and string by string.Perhaps the enigma of a celebrity started to open up for me with those episodes,their humanness was exposed with extreme surgical expertise.I still have few episodes etched in my memory.

Though if I try to remember him precisely,the first time I saw him was on Sony Television on a show called Chamatkar.It was actually a comic series where he had  a superpower of listening to distant voices.Entangled in his ear problem and his ability to listen strangely to people,he would fall into situations which were not hysterical but aukwardly comic.I think I still tend to like the situational and sly comedy more than the slapstic ones,credit goes to series like filmy chakkar,hum paanch,tu tu main main,sarabhai vs sarabhai,office office,chamatkar which we as 90's kids watched.There was another very famous series under his belly called Jee Mantriji-a political satire,but precisely because I was a kid and I did not relate to politics at that time,I don't remember watching it much.

When it comes to his films I have seen many but what remains close to my heart is Chashme Buddoor.I kind of like people who have layers,but are simple on the surface.Kind of relates me to myself.The situational comedy in the movie and the bachelorhood bromance remains contemporary to present days.Even today if you watch the movie you will find a kind of freshness in the scenes and the acting.Perhaps the USP of the man was his demeanor and his dialogue delivery,a very aam aadmi like persona and a groundedness which never allowed him to have an over the top kind of performance.Few scenes like the Chamko detergent demo or the pan waala encounter on the Delhi street gumti are epic ones.The new Chashme Buddoor was no where close to creating any feeling of nostalgia or high at all.

Apart from the few epic ones like Umrao Jaan,Bazaar,Gaman,Saath Saath and Noorie which were among the potshots of 80's parallel cinema;he was also very active in the radio and the theater circuit.I fondly remember one of his radio shows on Gandhi,it kind of became a daily routine to listen to him when I was travelling to my office.But to be honest what I really relate and reminisce about his earlier movies are the songs picturized on him.It has more to do with Jagjit singh,Chitra,Lata Mangeshkar and Suresh Wadekar being the part of his movies.But he has done justice to all the songs.My love for Jagjit Singh and the songs he rendered in the 80's must be accredited with the way Farooq saab acted in few of those songs.I still prefer to watch the video version than the audio ones.Few songs which I consider very close to my heart are Tumko Dekha to Yeh Khayal Aaya,Ye tera ghar ye mera ghar:Jagjit and chitra Singh,Dikhayi Diye yun,Phir Chiddi Raat,Aaja re o mere dilbar aaja:Lata Mangeshkar,Seene Me Jalan :Suresh Wadekar. Another song which essentially is popular because of Rekha is In aankhon ki masti ke.And I must say if I can die for those eyes of Rekha,or the संजीदगी of Deepti Naval I can certainly vouch for the subtlety in the eyes and voice of Farooq saab.

सीने में जलन, आँखों में तूफ़ान सा क्यों है

इस शहर में हर शख्स परेशान सा क्यों है

दिल है तो धड़कने का बहाना कोई ढूंढें

पत्थर की तरह बेहिस-ओ-बेजान सा क्यों है

तनहाई की ये कौनसी मंज़िल है रफीकों

ता-हद-ए-नजर एक बयाबान सा क्यों है

क्या कोई नयी बात नज़र आती है हम में

आईना हमे देख के हैरान सा क्यों है

शायद  कुछ ऐसी ही लाइन्स  के साथ दिल पसीजता है कई बार दिल्ली की गलियों में। अल्लाह हाफ़िज़ फारूक साब। आपकी रूह की खुशबू बदस्तूर महक बिखेरती रहती है मेरे मन के दरीचों में। जन्नत की महफ़िलों को रोशन करते रहें.
PS: Birthday Memoir.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farooq_Sheikh

Not Sould Yet

So this is it.After so many years of knowing myself when I am trying to list 20 things about me,I feel like a stranger.It seems as simple as it could be,but in reality it is very difficult to bullet down one's own nature in his/her own words.It's like a self appraisal which in a way becomes self praise at times.It reminds me of a reference of Mahatma Gandhi in My experiments with truth,where he makes it clear that it is not his autobiography but mere experiments and his own way of experiencing life.

So,through these 20 points I would like to reflect what I am,what I think of myself and what are my ways of experiencing life.

1)I have been a curious kid.And I have my own way of  feeding my curiosity.It is more of exploration and brooding than being inquisitive.I try hard to find the answers myself,in-fact I try to experience and conclude.Though it has been changing in recent times and I try to accommodate views of others as well,but it has just become a notch less and not vanished.  

     
     

2)I am an absent minded soul.I would rather term it as having a short span of concentration.But that short span of concentration is eternity for me.It's the glimpse of my own world where I build my own castles and shatter it down in seconds to make a beach shack of my own.

There are many weird instances in support of this.I have lost multiple no of items from my childhood days from lunch boxes, umbrellas, pencils, bags, sweaters, mufflers to mobile phones, wallets, money and in one instance left the person with whom I was roaming with.

Once I remember leaving my school bag in my class in the excitement of holidays and I got to know it only when my mom asked for the lunch box at home.Imagine the condition of my lunch box after the holidays ;)

Another time I left my cell in my college bus and someone picked it up and took it to his home which was 30 km's away from my place.And I was completely unaware of it until I had to call back home.Similar thing happened when I left my cell phone in my company cab and it went all the way to Coimbatore and I could retrieve it only after three days.

3)As a child I liked to experience nature and I still love to do that.The transferable job of my father proved to be a boon in this regard.From playing in rivers,to visiting national parks to visiting mustard fields and remotely located hamlets,to visiting iron mines and ancient temples,I have done it all.

                           



4)I love music,rather listening to it,humming a few.Music is in my appetite and it is like a stress buster and a companion to me.Though I have thought of learning music from my childhood days I could not do it,but I'm gearing up to do it soon.

                       
5)I love poetry.It's something which gives me solace.I have a few whom I look up to,follow and idealize.Gulzar,Bacchan ,Sahir and Ghalib stand apart for me,And few others like Munawwar Rana,Waseem Barelvi and Faiz are still sinking in me.(PS:One of my dreams is to write a song and a poetic story book)
                   
                             

6)I am a film freak and more on the Bollywood side of the spectra.Though I have watched a lot of Hollywood ones in my college,it has discontinued with time.

I am also a cricket and lawn tennis enthusiast .(SRT,Fedex and Dravid are my gods)

                                 

7)I just love Kishore Da.Though I love others like Rafi and Mukesh as well.But listening to Kishore gives me immense pleasure and bliss.
It is imperative to add that I love the golden era of bollywood,be it songs or movies or heroes.
I even love the 90's and its raunchy music and masala movies.

                                 

8)I don't talk much to my family,I seldom talk to my sister.But they know and even I know that I care for them and love them.It's sad that they have to run an extra mile to reach me but they have never complained.

9)I am very erratic at times.Although I care for other people and their emotions, it becomes difficult sometimes to handle me.The people who know me well,know how to handle me and how to react in those times.

10)I was never an avid reader.Though I love to assemble books and have a glance.But only those books which would glue me at once get completed and others remain on the shelf.In a way it is all because of my concentration span.That's why I love story books and comics as they take less time to complete and are equally fun to read.I seriously lack patience when it comes to books but I want to mend it as soon as possible.

One would be surprised to know that I have not completed The Alchemist,The god of small things,The Midnight Children and many others though I have had these books with me.

                                  

11)My life has centered more around my friends than my family.And I have a close set of friends right from my school days to now. They have tried to bear me for this long and hopefully will continue to do so in the future as well.I would like to add that I have different sets of friends which are mutually exclusive at times,and I have carried them all along and so have they despite of all my communication gap.

       
                            
                 
                                                                                          
                                                          

                           

12)I am nocturnal and I am very sleepy,I can sleep anywhere and everywhere and I am always drowsy.I am so drowsy that once I pissed in the bucket adjacent to the commode.No one knows it so don't spread the word please.

                           

13)I am a traveler at heart and like to travel a lot.I have traveled a bit,but I have a lot to cover and I am looking forward to it.

        

14)I am very bad at executing plans though I am not that bad at planning as such.This has solely to do with my callous and impatient nature.Evidently random things and plans have proved good for me so far.

Previously I used to think that one has to have a long term goal.But with time I have realized that I am a person who cannot thrive on long term goals.Short term goals are good for me and suit my nature.I have my bucket list of things which I want to do in near future,it includes few achievable and few bizarre things for which I have to strive hard.

15)I should say I hate responsibilities,I love to be a free bird and try to run away from things which anchor me-an aspect of the nomadic traveler in me may be.But I need to change a bit because in life responsibilities are to be taken as a daily chore and not as responsibilities.
                                 

16)I like to keep memoirs and I am very nostalgic.So much so that I keep bus tickets , coupons, bills, bookmarks, wrappers and other bizarre things with me.I get very sad when I lose them and I lose them on a regular basis.An instance I could remember well is that I kept the key chain of my first year college room till the last year.I lost it many times,I even recovered it two times from the commode in the bathroom(pathetic isn't it?).But it served me well and only broke when I was in the last year,I could feel the tinge of it.But one has to carry on isn't it?.It's a kind of compulsive disorder for me.(PS:Another compulsive disorder I have is that I need to bath If I go for any exam even if it means reaching late for the exam.)

                     
                              

I have this for more than 7 years now.

17)I am very bad at complimenting and I have this habit to mock and put in sarcastic comments.It is good in the beginning but it gets irritating for people at the receiving end,especially girls.But I cannot do much with it.

18)I am an observer and a brood,I love to observe and analyze things.And my analysis and observation may irritate few people and at times can be brought into the ambit of stalking.Here again I cannot do much to change it.

                                      

19)I am highly spiritual and love to explore spirituality and different religions,though I must make it clear that I am not religious and I hate dogmas.I see customs and rituals more through the cultural lens and try not to follow it blindly.At the same time I am highly liberal and unorthodox and extremely neutral at times which makes people realize that I don't have a stand on things.But to be honest I am slowly getting inclined to the "Middle Path" and nothing else.

20)I love kids.I don't know how it all inculcated in me.But from the day I have grown up a bit,I have this knack of getting involved with kids.I can cheer them up,I can play with them,make them laugh,interest them,educate them and I get immense pleasure in doing all this.This is the reason why I love children books.In-fact one of my goals in life is to have my own school for children.

      


Now that I am ending it,I feel I have a lot more to put up,but its better to end it on the trot and let it be.
Driving force:"Never regret a thing which made you smile and never ever stop doing things which you like to do however busy you are in life."